There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You need a sexual gate keeper
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
