i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
