I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Randomize
