I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
My life is pants optional.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
