During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
