she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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