If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
