I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
