you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Randomize
