so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
