I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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