Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
