I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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