I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
