Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
