Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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