Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
