My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
