Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
