i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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