I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
