I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
