it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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