I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
