Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
