well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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