Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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