i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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