i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
