We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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