my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
