Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
