Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
