seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
