No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
