I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
True strength comes from lack of pants
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
