i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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