cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
