its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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