god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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