hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
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