Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
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