i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
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There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
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I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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