we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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