***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I wish you could order shots online.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
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