Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
He uses pillows to masturbate.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
organizing the empties. That sober.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
