The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
