Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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