The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
