i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
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