I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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