I think im going to throw up on grandma
this beer tastes like vomit already
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
