I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
