Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
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