I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
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