Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
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You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
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who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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